BlueBumbleBee

Damn my gallery is chock full of chicks.

Time to draw some meeeeeeeen.

I wish I could change my username without having to pay for the privilege.

If you take medication and want to stop taking it, gradually or not, DO NOT.

I've taken Zoloft for the last ten years of my life and several months ago, I consulted with my physician and decided to gradually reduce my dosage until I didn't "need" it anymore.

Huge mistake.

At first, I felt okay. For some reason the thought of taking meds for the rest of my life really turned me off, and I thought I could function just fine without them. I thought I could train my mind to be normal and I thought I could control my emotions.

The thing is, you really can't control that sort of thing.

I started feeling everything -- I went from euphoric to completely miserable and self-hating within a matter of hours; I began to obsess about my face and every time I caught a glimpse of my reflection all I could see was ugliness.

I am not kidding. Not only did I become depressed, but my view of myself became distorted and I would literally feel devastated when I saw my own face. What I saw was hideous, and I wanted to disappear. Or die.

I fixated on one thing and blew it completely out of proportion. I huddled in my bed and cried, and wondered what my purpose was for living. I didn't know WHY I felt this way; only that it sucked and I couldn't see how my life would ever be good and meaningful.

I actually thought about taking all of the painkillers I had left over from my wisdom tooth surgery in October. I thought of various ways I could kill myself.

I lost my appetite, ate very little, lost 10 lbs. Simple tasks became monumental and insurmountable. I saw no future for myself.

Obviously, I knew my brain was screwed up and I needed to get back on the medication. I would rather spend the rest of my life taking a few pills than feel as low as I did for another second. So for the last several weeks I've been taking the Zoloft again, and my moods have stabilized. I have not since felt the deep despair that I did while un-medicated.

When I wanted to stop taking the meds, it was because I didn't think I was really myself. I learned that I am more myself than ever with this drug in my system because it keeps me sane and allows me to function. I can get up in the morning, I can interact with people, I can see my reflection and see just myself -- a reasonably attractive face above a slim figure of average height. Not a monster.

There's no shame in taking medication if it helps you live your life and be a better person. No one should have to suffer within the confines of their own minds and torture themselves with negative words and visions of suicide. I learned this lesson the hard way.

Had all my wisdom teeth taken out this morning under pill-induced sedation; I wasn't completely knocked out but I was very relaxed and slept through most of the surgery. I think I woke up a little at the beginning when they were injecting the numbing medication and towards the end while they were digging out the last tooth, but it went smoothly and I slept most of the day anyway. There is a funny little scratch over my upper lip that might have been the result of the doctor's hand slipping, it's weird. The pain meds are working great and I feel almost normal now; earlier when I had to go downstairs to eat my mouth started shaking pretty badly, but I think it was just an after effect of the triazolam stuff. I took a valium the night before to help me sleep better. I ate/drank a Starbucks Frappuccino with a spoon and had some scrambled eggs today. I felt much more recovered after eating.

Aside from my ridiculous chipmunk cheeks, I think I'll be just fine for work on Monday.

A couple of weeks ago I started a new part time job at a small animal clinic the next town over; it's a much nicer place than Panda Express and my coworkers are actually NICE and easy to talk to and don't treat me like I'm an idiot when I have a question or forget something.

I wonder if being mature adults has something to do with it?

So aside from answering calls, making appointments, handling purchases, putting prescriptions together and checking patients in, I also get to assist in surgeries and will (eventually) also do kennels.

I like animals, so this arrangement doesn't bother me at all.

On a less cheerful note, I had a consultation appointment with the orthodontist in town yesterday and was told my open bite was quite extensive (I paraphrase), and would be difficult to fix. Great.

With braces and small implants, the total cost of the work it will take is almost $6000.
Actually, add on the cost of having to get my wisdom teeth removed, and that pushes it over $6000.

D:

This might be a good time to mention I have nothing in my savings account. It was all wasted on college.

Thank god my parents are so good to me and are actually likely to help me out. Obviously, having a job helps, even if it is only part time, as anything I can contribute can't hurt.

But still. Ugh. Thanks to my tongue, which has pushed against my teeth and caused me a life's worth of problems, even after wearing braces and other torturous devices, my mouth is still fucked up, and is in need of fixing because if I don't fix it now it will only get worse and probably cost even more.

And not only has this problem altered my appearance (and not in a good way), it affects the way I speak and the way I eat.

Basically I have to train myself how to pronounce certain consonants (like ch, sh, j) correctly and also how to swallow food and drink normally.

The problem with fixing an open bite, as I've been told, is that the results might not last, unless my tongue positioning is fixed, and no longer pushes my teeth out.

So not only is fixing the bite expensive, but it isn't guaranteed to last. Great.