If you take medication and want to stop taking it, gradually or not, DO NOT.

I've taken Zoloft for the last ten years of my life and several months ago, I consulted with my physician and decided to gradually reduce my dosage until I didn't "need" it anymore.

Huge mistake.

At first, I felt okay. For some reason the thought of taking meds for the rest of my life really turned me off, and I thought I could function just fine without them. I thought I could train my mind to be normal and I thought I could control my emotions.

The thing is, you really can't control that sort of thing.

I started feeling everything -- I went from euphoric to completely miserable and self-hating within a matter of hours; I began to obsess about my face and every time I caught a glimpse of my reflection all I could see was ugliness.

I am not kidding. Not only did I become depressed, but my view of myself became distorted and I would literally feel devastated when I saw my own face. What I saw was hideous, and I wanted to disappear. Or die.

I fixated on one thing and blew it completely out of proportion. I huddled in my bed and cried, and wondered what my purpose was for living. I didn't know WHY I felt this way; only that it sucked and I couldn't see how my life would ever be good and meaningful.

I actually thought about taking all of the painkillers I had left over from my wisdom tooth surgery in October. I thought of various ways I could kill myself.

I lost my appetite, ate very little, lost 10 lbs. Simple tasks became monumental and insurmountable. I saw no future for myself.

Obviously, I knew my brain was screwed up and I needed to get back on the medication. I would rather spend the rest of my life taking a few pills than feel as low as I did for another second. So for the last several weeks I've been taking the Zoloft again, and my moods have stabilized. I have not since felt the deep despair that I did while un-medicated.

When I wanted to stop taking the meds, it was because I didn't think I was really myself. I learned that I am more myself than ever with this drug in my system because it keeps me sane and allows me to function. I can get up in the morning, I can interact with people, I can see my reflection and see just myself -- a reasonably attractive face above a slim figure of average height. Not a monster.

There's no shame in taking medication if it helps you live your life and be a better person. No one should have to suffer within the confines of their own minds and torture themselves with negative words and visions of suicide. I learned this lesson the hard way.